Anger management (EI – method 4)

Emotional intelligence is constituted by the four pillars: self-knowledge, handling of emotions, empathy and social skills. The first two pillars are the foundation for the other two, because knowledge of your emotions and its handling support empathy and other social skills. An emotion, that is often an obstacle to peace and to maintain good relations with others, is anger.

Angry image result

In self-observation you could already identify the emotions that will cause discomfort more often. For some of you it is fear, for others it is sadness and for another group anger. ., Anger, the envy, etc.. often arise at times when we feel an injustice. It is important to always keep in mind that you not get angry for what happened but because the event itself no what makes us angry is the interpreation and thoughts about the event. If it is not consistent with our expectation, we interpret the event as unfair or inadequate, and because of that in our mind a conflict between how something should be and how it really is, is created.

Example 1: The partner leaves his dirty clothes on the floor. (Interpretation: I told so many times that it is important to me that the house is tidy. You're not taking me seriously (If he/she takes me seriously, he/she would not do it))

Example 2: The waitress brings a dirty menu, It takes long till she comes and then she forgets half of the order. (How can someone work like this, in a decent restaurant that should not happen (in a decent restaurant should …))

They are our thoughts that trigger anger and other negative feelings. So it is very interesting to know what you thought just before a time when you feel that emotion.

At the beginning of the week try to figure out your expectations to other people, Create a list of them. (Example)Exercise result image

People person treat me with respect: should greet, They should speak kindly, They should control their emotions, should…

My partner person openly show their affection, invite me for dinner …

Person at work x person

At home person should …


Over week when you feel anger (or also other negative emotion) Ask yourself: Exercise result image

Do I feel angry because I think / I have the feeling that person x does not live up to my expectations?

If the answer is yes, first question your interpretation of the situation. In the example 1 the person interprets your partner is not taking him seriously because he/she leaves dirty clothes on the floor. Depending on the situation it can be a very hasty conclusion.

If you think your interpretation is valid, ask yourself if it's worth keeping that expectation or if you can give up to reduce moments of anger.

If you can not give up this expectations because it is part of your needs and principles ask yourself how you can avoid or prevent these situations in the future, that could hurt your needs and principles. Many times a simple conversation can resolve the situation. Do not get carried away by anger, stay calm knowing that changes in the environment can usually ask but not require. The best solution is always to take responsibility for own welfare and walk away of those events / people that trigger the reaction.

How to maintain calm in moments of anger will be discussed in the next week.

The program can not replace individual therapy. If you feel that your emotions overcome or if you experience many negative thoughts please contact me or other professional of your choice.

Melanie Gramer


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