Forgiveness is selfish

Sometimes we seem to forgive means to be weak, surrender or to agree with the other person. But that's a mistake. Knowing how to forgive is very important for our own welfare, because it means that we let go of anger, resentment or even hatred to return to feel at peace with ourselves.

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Anger has an important role because it informs us of a possible injustice and prepares us for a reaction in defense of our own person or someone we. So it is important to verbalize anger or other emotion that someone has caused in us by their behavior or their words.

We can say: " It hurts, you tell me ... "or" I hurt when ... " .

However once it expressed emotion and past time does not suit us keep the negative emotion within us because we cause unnecessary discomfort to us and people around us.

Once past the time is important to realize that to feel good again we need no apology from the other person, we need to convince or something. Our own well-being depends solely on ourselves. We may decide not to upset because what made us angry is the problem of the other and not from us. In this way we take responsibility for our emotional well-being does not depend on anything or anyone except our own thoughts.

Forgiveness does not mean agree or agree unjust behavior, it means recognizing that the other person acted in a certain way that made us feel angry, Rage, hatred etc.. but the power of our well-being is knowing that we can only move us and that nobody is perfect, we all act in the best way we can and that our own well-being depends only on ourselves.

For more information on the individual personal counseling or therapy contact me:



All the best,


Melanie Gramer

3 steps to overcome anxiety

It is important to differentiate between the real fear and psychological fear.

The real fear acts as a primary emotion in a timely manner in times of real danger and ensures our survival. This fear is healthy and does not harm us.

But there is another form of fear (the psychological fear) that as anxiety, insecurity, concerns, stress, nervousness etc., It has come to occupy a place in our minds where acts almost constantly trying to protect the rejection, of shame and other negative emotions we want to avoid feeling. Especially we are afraid to feel insecure, fear and so a vicious circle which is difficult to start out.


It is hard but not impossible. The first thing to know is that the psychological fear is based on catastrophic thoughts type “what if…” about something that might happen in the future.

And if something happens…, And if tomorrow all laugh at me…, And if I do not pass the exam and I run out of money and one day my parents will die and I'll be just living on the street… What if … What if…

How these thoughts refer to something that is not happening and which is impossible to act or refute safely resist all kinds of logical arguments.


What I can do then?Exercise result image

1. Identify the emotion of fear which tries to protect: Fear, Shame, Guilt, Envy, Rage, Sadness …

2. Not recognize the real character of fear.

For the first two steps we apply the following sentence: “I am scared / anxiety / worry because I see something that is not there.”

Realize that's true, everything that you fear does not exist at this time and that the future is almost never as we imagine it.

3. Not let fear is reinforced. That is act in ways that allow me to feel the emotion that I fear.

In some cases it is more obvious such as whether I have fear of public speaking, I have to go approaching this challenge and work on my self-esteem to gain confidence.

In other cases it may be more difficult to act like whether I wake up with anxiety in the morning without knowing where it comes from. In these cases the method of choice is the acceptance. Instead of trying not to feel fear, I would feel, I invite you to be with me. Everything is a process and you need perseverance but I assure closer you singing your fears more will turn away from you.


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Your fears can not exist without you believe in them and try to run and hide. At the time when watching them without scare, bring light to the darkest corners of your mind where you think the dangers are hidden and recognize that have only been shadows like monsters under the bed to scare but have never had a real existence .


If you want to support in your personal development process please contact me or with another psychologist or therapist of your choice.


I hope I helped you and I wish you all the best.


Melanie Gramer

3 key points to be less rushed and more calm

Hurry to a mental concept. A state of stress that is induced in the body when the mind thinks it has a too limited time to do what we set. The problem is not in doing things in a faster way but anxiety and worries that go through our minds as we act. Then we talk about 3 key points to keep in mind if we increase the ease and reduce stress in our lives.


  1. Structuring the day. Morning planning tasks you want to perform during the day and prepares a schedule for each task. Apply the criterion of generosity, If you later notes have many holes can draw up a list of less urgent activities that can take place when you have time. It is also important to plan short breaks and strictly comply with them when they touch. Find your own pace, some people help them a lot of very short breaks 1-2 minutes. while others work better if they have fewer interruptions but longer breaks 5-10 minutes.
  2. Be present. When you perform a task not let your mind away from the present moment thinking about the tasks that come later. Have a limited attention span and thinking about future tasks and dealing with emotions with respect to them you subtract attention to the task and low motivation and quality of the result. Stay in the here and now and trust your planning. To improve care in this you can apply the technique of mindfulness or flow, This means you bring your attention for a moment to your breathing, physical sensations or your perception. How do you feel what you're touching? What do you smell? What can you hear?Result image be present


  1. Change the thoughts. When you feel rushed notes, Realize that hurry exists only in your mind and that anxiety if not help to be faster or do things better. Thank him for warning that you have a limited time to carry out the task time and if necessary and possible rate increases. But try to maintain peace in mind and let not driven by fear (therefore you see my article: present peace of mind). Calmly fewer errors occur and have higher quality results.Mandala image results flow

Every day worth betting on us and our dreams. Remember that change can only occur in the now, the past is gone and the future has not yet arrived. The constant practice of these key points will bring more peace, patience and greater personal well-being.

If you are a person who often feels rushed, you lack energy, you're under pressure or notes that there is too much negative stress in your life, please contact me to arrange some individual sessions. Often with professional help may soon make a major change and prevent burnout, anxiety disorders or depression.


Greetings and see you soon,


Melanie Gramer


Encourage yourself (3 reasons)

There is a big difference between self-love and egoism. Love yourself is to recognize your own needs and limits, respect and defend and does not include at any time benefit of others or restrict them to their own rights to act according to their needs.


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Then we will see in 3 reasons for loving yourself is essential for its own welfare and the welfare of people around us.

  1. Physical and psychological well-being: If you act with self-love you take care with good nutrition, enough movement, social contacts and do not autocastiges for small mistakes or misunderstandings. The inner dialogue will be much more positive and less negative emotions arise. In this way you prevent anxiety disorders O depression and long-term physical problems.


  1. the self: If your you accept and love yourself as you are with your strengths and weaknesses do not affect the opinions of others. You are free and independent in your decisions and the master of your destiny. This way you are also more attractive to others.


  1. Having a healthy couple relationships: Result image of happy coupleA couple can never fulfill the role to make you happy. A relationship that is based on the need for someone confirms that you deserve to be loved does not have a solid foundation. Among other dependency and fear of losing that person is created and with it the feeling of having value. If you love yourself are a free person who chooses to be with someone to share the moments of life and experience of the relationship.

To love yourself can sometimes be necessary to identify and change thought patterns and habits that prevent seeing ourselves as valuable and unique people. If you need help or are looking for professional advice please contact me. I would love to accompany you on your way to yourself, to your happiness and self-esteem.

Greetings and see you soon.

Melanie Gramer

Overcome depression and sadness (IE – tool 6)

Image result sad faceMild depression or feelings of sadness can occur in difficult moments of life. After a break with the couple, illness or loss of a loved one etc. Like other emotions of sadness also has its function. When we are sad we got off the activity and allow the necessary time to recover emotionally and adapt to the new situation. On behalf of our family and our friends who can see our depression we receive support and comfort. Thus emotion helps us communicate our needs to the environment and they respond to our needs.

When depression lasts for a long period after the triggering event or no event that has clearly triggered the emotion may be advisable to seek professional help to identify the factors that keep depressed mood and changes in life, behavior and especially thought patterns that will feel more in harmony with themselves and one again enjoy life.

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The following exercise is based on the theory that we can evoke emotions by activating certain muscles of the body Exercise result imageThey are responsible for producing the corresponding emotion mimicry. This theory has been scientifically proven.

The motto is “fake it until you make it” (finjelo until you do):

The moment you detect feelings of sadness or despondency sit in a chair. When we are sad we have less energy and the body is more fallen. we first correct this posture and sit with the spine straight vertebra with shoulders back. Put now a pencil in his mouth and teeth muérdelo lightly to hold it and feels like a smile on your face shown. Fix your attention to your posture and breathing. Repeat mentally and very quiet three times in the next sentence: “I can feel fine now.”

The program can not replace individual therapy. If you feel that your emotions overcome or if you experience many negative thoughts please contact me or other professional of your choice.

Melanie Gramer


Anger management (IE - tools 5)

Anger is present in each of us. Like other emotions, anger also has an important role in our lives. Anger makes us defend our rights and demand situations of injustice. However often we react angrily to minor situations “real” for our survival or welfare of others. On the contrary it is likely that what we say with our behavior or cause harm to people or want more respect and of course ourselves. Whenever we feel anger and we get carried away by emotion induce a stress reaction in our body that can have long-term negative health consequences.

Anger management tool:Exercise result image

When we feel the emotion we try postponing the reaction to that will not be influenced by anger.

The exercise is simple but very effective: Every time you're really angry at something or someone start counting 10 –> 0 before saying something or act in any way.

The anger management help in discussions not deviate from the facts. This makes it easier to find a solution to the problems and relations are not affected negatively.

If you notice that you feel a lot of anger in everyday situations and you find it difficult to handle for you can just go to my office. In a single session you will find the need to recognize the factors that produce and maintain your anger and support the way for more calmness and serenity.


Melanie Gramer

Contact me to arrange a first meeting (20 min / online) free.

Anger management (IE – tool 4)

Emotional intelligence is constituted by the four pillars: self-knowledge, handling emotions, empathy and social skills. The first two pillars are the foundation for the other two, since knowledge of one's emotions and encourage proper handling empathy and social skills in various settings. An emotion that is often an obstacle to peace and to maintain good relations with others is anger.

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In self-observation could you identify the emotions that will cause discomfort more often. For some of you it is fear, for others it is sadness and another group will anger. The wrath, As anger, the envy, anger etc.. often arise at times when we feel an injustice. It is important to always keep in mind that not get angry for what happened but because the event no It is consistent with our expectation or we interpret the event as unfair or inadequate, that is in our mind a conflict between how something should be and as it arises.

Example 1: The couple leaves his dirty clothes on the floor. (Interpretation: I told so many times that is important to me that the house this collection. You're not taking me seriously (cogiese if I seriously would not))

Example 2: The waitress brings a dirty letter, It takes long to come and forget half the order. (How can work well, in a decent restaurant that should not happen (in a decent restaurant should …))

They are our thoughts that trigger anger. So it is very interesting to know what you thought just before a time when you feel that emotion.

At the beginning of the week try to figure out your expectations, Create a list of them. (Example)Exercise result image

People should treat me with respect: should greet, They should speak kindly, They should control their emotions, should…

My partner should openly show their affection, to dinner …

Person at work x should

At home should person …


Over week when you feel anger (or also other negative emotion) Ask yourself: Exercise result image

Do I feel angry because I think / I play someone / something is not fulfilling my expectations?

If the answer is yes, first question your interpretation. In the example 1 the person interprets your partner is not taking him seriously about clothes on the floor. Depending on the situation it can be a very hasty conclusion.

If you think your interpretation valid ask yourself if it's worth keeping that expectation or sense give up on her in order to reduce moments of anger.

If you can not give up hope because it is part of your needs and ask deeper principles as you can in the future to avoid or prevent events against those ideas. Many times a simple conversation kind can resolve the situation. Do not get carried away by anger, stay calm knowing that changes in the environment can usually ask but not require. The latter solution is always to take responsibility for own welfare and walk away of those events / people that trigger the reaction.

How to maintain calm in moments of anger much discussed in the next week.

The program can not replace individual therapy. If you feel that your emotions overcome or if you experience many negative thoughts please contact me or other professional of your choice.

Melanie Gramer


Fear management (NO- tool 3)

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In this article I want to talk about fear and that fear and its derivatives such as anxiety, concerns, stress, unrest, the scare, panic etc.. They have an important role in our lives. The role of fear is to ensure our survival. So when there is fear present our mind attaches great importance to that emotion and subtraction attention to other tasks that are carrying out. However, glad when a moment of acute panic did throw us back to avoid being hit by a car going at full speed regardless pedestrians. And unless it seems necessary when fear limits us in our professional or private life because we dare not say what is necessary for our boss or our partner, because we care very much to have to do that presentation or what our children when we can not see and we fear to fear when the excitement is over and it begins to limit in almost any area of ​​our life.

Fear is a tool that seeks not only to protect the survival of our body but also our psychological identity / ego (the way we see ourselves). The more we try to fool around us and ourselves about our capabilities and features, more danger exists to be discovered and will send signals threat mind, we suffer more psychological stress.

Therefore one of the best tools to reduce fear / stress is to be authentic. When we act in accordance with our deepest principles we create harmony in our minds. As we act against those ideas because we try to impress, hide or pretend something in the mind it creates conflict, a lack of consistency and also if we believe in that illusion as we install real part of the fear that emerge moments that reveal self-deception and put our identity in question.

Being authentic means knowing yourself and your own needs and act on them. Authentically act requires a lot of courage because it means not to be what others want us to be, sometimes it means taking them to stay disappointed or disagree with what we do. You may even have to face more fears and other negative emotions at first, but long term we will feel more at peace with ourselves, authentic and happier.

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To practice be more authentic yourself this question as often as possible:

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Am I acting in accordance with my needs and deepest convictions?

(Sometimes those needs should be clarified prior convictions and pointing them down on paper)

Learning to be authentic is a process that can take many years or a lifetime. When you find that you act not in accordance with your needs and deepest convictions was compassionate with yourself, no te self-critical, Note that these doing work for your personal growth, which is very good and that small gains are much more important than small setbacks. The fears are overcome gifts for life. You're working to feel good about yourself, to increase your self-esteem, for a fuller and happier life.

The program can not replace individual therapy. If you feel that your emotions overcome or if you experience many negative thoughts please contact me or other professional of your choice.

Melanie Gramer

Take responsibility (IE tool 2)

Result image interpretationLast week we learned and experienced what we feel and think is our own war, which it is something that happens in our mind and not outside it. This knowledge leads us to the conclusion that everyone has to take responsibility for their own welfare. Around us situations may arise, people, comments etc. that trigger emotions like fear / anger / sadness / disappointment… . However it is never the event itself, but rather how we interpret these events that make us feel one way or another.

I'll give you a example To understand this better: Three guys walk at night through a neighborhood of Berlin. Them to the police and asked to see documentation.

A person thinks: “I always ask my documentation, Is it because I am of Arab origin, They do not trust me.”

A person feels: Rage, Sadness

Person B thinks: “I hope you do not find any problem with my passport, Good thing I have”

Person B feels: Fear, insecurity

Person C think: ” How nice that so many police presence at night, We can feel safe”

Person C feels: Security, Joy, Relief

The way we interpret events depends on our past experiences and our mental patterns, means of “how we think and what our ideas of the world and ourselves”. Therefore we can say: “Switch to yourself and change your world”.

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Over the next week try to integrate that idea over and over again in your mindsets.Exercise result image

Whenever you feel negative emotions and you realize you're trying to blame someone else or the situation itself mentally repeat the following sentence:


and remember it is true that everything you think and feel is just the way you see and interpret the situation, are your thoughts, your emotions that arise within your mind and body and you are the one / the only / that you can change.

This is a very powerful tool that we take responsibility for ourselves. And take that responsibility means getting the power for change. As I think I'm a victim of my environment I put myself in a helpless position, I empowered to take responsibility to start making the necessary changes in my life and in my mind for greater personal well-being.

The long-term exercise along with exercise last week will help to calm the mind and to modify schemes established. You are learning to manage your emotions and this means that you are preventing psychological disorders such as depression or anxiety disorders, you're going to increase your performance at work and improve your social relationships.

The program can not replace individual therapy. If you feel that your emotions overcome or if you experience many negative thoughts please contact me or other professional of your choice.

Melanie Gramer