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Forgiveness is selfish

Sometimes we have the feeling to forgive means to be weak, because it means to agree with the other person. But that's a mistake. Knowing how to forgive is very important for our own welfare, because it means that we let go anger, disappointment and frustation to feel the peace with ourselves.

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Anger plays an important role in our lifes, because it informs us of a possible injustice and prepares us for a reaction in defense of our own person. So it is important to verbalize anger or other emotion that someone has caused in us by their behavior or their words.

We can say: " It hurts, if you tell me ... "or" I makes me angry if ... " .

However once the emotion is expressed it is not an advantage to keep the negative emotion within us because we cause unnecessary discomfort to us and people around us.

When the moment aof the first reaction is over, it is important to realize that to feel good again we need no apology from the other person, furthermore we do not need to convince the other person that he or she is wrong. Our own well-being depends only on ourselves. We may decide not to upset anymore because we realize that this what made us angry is the problem of the other and not our problem. In this way we take responsibility for our own emotional well-being that does not depend on anything or anyone except our own thoughts.

Forgiveness does not mean to accept or to agree unjust behavior, it means recognizing that the other person acted in a certain way that made us feel angry, furious, sad etc.. It may help to realize that nobody is perfect, and that we all act in the best way we can and that our own well-being depends only on ourselves.

For more information on the individual personal counseling or therapy contact me:

 

 

All the best,

 

Melanie Gramer

3 steps to overcome anxiety

It is important to differentiate between the real fear and psychological fear.

The real fear acts as a primary emotion in times of real danger and ensures our survival. This fear is healthy and does not harm us.

But there is another form of fear (the psychological fear) that takes over a part of our minds with anxiety, insecurity, worries, stress, nervousness etc., trying to protect our ego from, of shame and other negative emotions. Especially we are afraid to feel insecure or weak, and to have fear and so a vicious circle develops which is difficult to get out.

 

It is hard but not impossible. The first thing to know is that the psychological fear is based on catastrophic thoughts type “What if…” about something that might happen in the future.

And if something happens…, And if tomorrow all laugh at me…, And if I do not pass the exam and I run out of money and one day my parents will die and I'll be just living on the street… What if … What if…

How these thoughts refer to something that is not happening and which is impossible to act or refute safely resist all kinds of logical arguments.

 

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1. Identify the emotion of fear which tries to protect: Fear, Shame, Guilt, Envy, fury, Sadness …

2. Recognize that fear does not have real existence.

For the first two steps we apply the following sentence: “I am scared / I feel anxiety / worry because I see something that is not there.”

Realize that's true, that everything that you fear does not exist at this time and that the future is almost never as we imagine it.

3. Do not le your fears amplify themselves. This means that you are allowed to feel the emotion that you fear. Do not try to avoid negative thoughts and experiences.

In some cases it is more obvious such as if I have fear of public speaking, I have to go approaching this challenge and work on my self-esteem to gain confidence.

In other cases it may be more difficult. For example if I wake up with anxiety in the morning without knowing where it comes from. In these cases the method of choice is the acceptance. Instead of trying not to feel fear, I would feel, I invite you to be with me and observe this feeling. Everything is a process and you need time but I assure as more you are approaching your fears as more they will turn away from you.

 

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Your fears can not exist without you believe in them and try to avoid. At the time when watching them without being scared, you will bring light to the darkest corners of your mind where you think the dangers are hidden and you will recognize that they have only been shadows like monsters under the bed to scare someone but have never had a real existence .

 

If you want to have support in your personal development process please contact me or another psychologist or therapist of your choice.

 

I hope I helped you and I wish you all the best.

 

Melanie Gramer

3 key points to be less rushed and more calm

Hurry is only a mental concept. A state of stress that is induced in the body when the mind thinks it has a too limited time to do what we have to do. The problem is not in doing things in a faster way but anxiety and worries that go through our minds as we act. Now we talk about 3 key points to keep in mind if we increase inner peace and reduce stress in our lives.

 

  1. Structuring the day. Make a plan in the morning for all the tasks you want to perform during the day and prepare a schedule for each task. Be generous and make your plan with enough breaks, If you notice later that you have many breaks and spaces in your plan, you can draw up a list of less urgent activities that can take place when you have time. It is also important to plan short breaks and to really make them if its time to do them.. Find your own rhythm, some people need a lot of very short breaks like 1-2 minutes. While others work better if they have fewer interruptions but longer breaks like 5-10 minutes.
  2. Living here and now. When you perform a task, not let your mind go away from the present moment thinking about the tasks that come later, but focus on living here and now. You have a limited attention span and while thinking about future tasks, you are creating stress because you focus on tasks that you have not already done. . Live here and now and trust your planning and that you will have enough time for all of your tasks.. To improve care in this, you can apply the technique of mindfulness, This means you bring your attention for a moment to your breathing, physical sensations or your perception. How does it feel what you're touching? What do you smell? What can you hear?Result image be present

 

  1. Change the thoughts. When you feel harassed, Realize that hurry exists only in your mind and that anxiety does not help to be faster or do things better. Thank him for warning that you have a limited time to carry out the task and that if necessary and possible rate increases. But try to maintain peace in mind and not to be carried away by fears (therefore you see my article: To present peace to the mind). Who works concentrated and with inner peace, makes fewer errors and has higher quality results.Mandala image results flow

Every day worth betting on us and our dreams. Remember that change can only occur in the now, the past is gone and the future has not yet arrived. The constant practice of these key points will bring more peace, patience and greater well-being.

If you are a person who often feels rushed, or a lack energy, you're under pressure or notes that there is too much negative stress in your life, please contact me to arrange some individual sessions. Often with professional help you can reach major change and prevent burnout, anxiety disorders or depression.

 

Greetings and see you soon,

 

Melanie Gramer

 

Encourage yourself (3 reasons)

There is a big difference between self-love and egoism. Love yourself is to recognize your own needs and limits, and respect and defend them and does not include at any time to benefit of others..

 

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In the following we will see 3 reasons for loving yourself is essential for your own welfare and the welfare of people around us.

  1. Physical and psychological well-being: If you act with self-love you will realize that you take care of good nutrition, enough movement, social contacts and that you do not apologize for every small mistake or misunderstandings. The inner dialogue will be much more positive and less negative emotions arise. In this way you prevent anxiety disorders or depression and long-term physical problems.

 

  1. The self-confidence: If your you accept and love yourself as you are with your strengths and weaknesses, the opinions of others are not very important anymore.. You are free and independent in your decisions and the master of your destiny. In this way you are also more attractive to others.

 

  1. Having a healthy relationship: Result image of happy coupleA partner can never fulfill the role to make you happy. A relationship that is based on the need for someone confirms that you deserve to be loved does not have a solid foundation. It is created a dependency and fear of losing that person and the fear of losing his own value and self-esteem. If you love yourself you are a free person who chooses to be with someone to share the moments of life and experience of the relationship.

To love yourself sometimes it can be necessary to identify and change thought patterns and habits that prevent seeing ourselves as valuable and unique people. If you need help or you are looking for professional advice please contact me. I would like to accompany you on your way to yourself, to your happiness and self-esteem.

Greetings and see you soon.

Melanie Gramer

Overcome depression and sadness (EI – method 6)

Image result sad faceMild depression or feelings of sadness can occur in difficult moments of life. After the end of a partnership, an illness or the loss of a loved person etc. Like other emotions sadness also has its function. When we are sad we got off the activity and allow the necessary time to recover emotionally and adapt to the new situation. We receive consolation and support of our family and our friends who can see our depression. The emotion helps us to communicate our needs to the environment and that they respond to our needs.

If depression lasts for a long period after a triggering event or if there is no event that has clearly triggered the emotion, it may be recommendable to get professional help to identify the factors that keep depressed mood. Then you can change life while changing your , behavior and especially thought patterns that lead to a well-being and so you will feel more in harmony with youself and can enjoy your life.

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The following exercise is based on the theory that we can evoke emotions by activating certain muscles of our body Exercise result imageThey are responsible for producing the mimic the belonging to the emotion . This theory has been scientifically proven.

The motto is “fake it until you make it” (-):

The moment you detect feelings of sadness or despondency, sit on a chair. When we are sad we have less energy and the body falls in or slightly forward. We first correct this posture and sit and raise our torso with shoulders back. Now put a pencil in your mouth and teeth and bite lightly to hold it and feel like a smile on your face is shown. Fix your attention to your posture and breathing. Repeat mentally and very quiet three times the next sentence: “I can feel fine now.”

The program can not replace individual therapy. If you feel that your emotions overcome or if you experience many negative thoughts please contact me or other professional of your choice.

Melanie Gramer

 

Anger management (method 5)

Anger is present in each of us. Like other emotions, anger also has an important role in our lives. Anger helps us defend our rights and demand situations of injustice. But often we react angrily to situations with lower “vital” importance. Often we harm others with our behavior by saying something, that hurts them. Whenever we feel anger and we get carried away by emotion, a stress reaction in our body is triggered that can have long-term negative health consequences.

Anger management tool:Exercise result image

If we feel the anger we try to uncouple the behaviour from the feeling by allowing some time to elapse before starting to act.

The exercise is simple but very effective: Every time you're really angry at something or someone start counting 10 –> 0 before saying something or act in any way.

The anger management helps to not deviate from the facts in discussions in a private or professional environment. This makes it easier to find a solution to the problems and to maintain a good relation to the environment.

If you notice that you feel a lot of anger in everyday situations and you find it difficult to handle it on your own, you can just go to my office. In a individual session you will find out the factors that produce and maintain your anger and your will find a way to improve your situation and get more calmness and serenity.

 

Melanie Gramer

Contact me to arrange a first meeting (20 min / online) free.

Anger management (EI – method 4)

Emotional intelligence is constituted by the four pillars: self-knowledge, handling of emotions, empathy and social skills. The first two pillars are the foundation for the other two, because knowledge of your emotions and its handling support empathy and other social skills. An emotion, that is often an obstacle to peace and to maintain good relations with others, is anger.

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In self-observation you could already identify the emotions that will cause discomfort more often. For some of you it is fear, for others it is sadness and for another group anger. ., Anger, the envy, etc.. often arise at times when we feel an injustice. It is important to always keep in mind that you not get angry for what happened but because the event itself no what makes us angry is the interpreation and thoughts about the event. If it is not consistent with our expectation, we interpret the event as unfair or inadequate, and because of that in our mind a conflict between how something should be and how it really is, is created.

Example 1: The partner leaves his dirty clothes on the floor. (Interpretation: I told so many times that it is important to me that the house is tidy. You're not taking me seriously (If he/she takes me seriously, he/she would not do it))

Example 2: The waitress brings a dirty menu, It takes long till she comes and then she forgets half of the order. (How can someone work like this, in a decent restaurant that should not happen (in a decent restaurant should …))

They are our thoughts that trigger anger and other negative feelings. So it is very interesting to know what you thought just before a time when you feel that emotion.

At the beginning of the week try to figure out your expectations to other people, Create a list of them. (Example)Exercise result image

People person treat me with respect: should greet, They should speak kindly, They should control their emotions, should…

My partner person openly show their affection, invite me for dinner …

Person at work x person

At home person should …

 

Over week when you feel anger (or also other negative emotion) Ask yourself: Exercise result image

Do I feel angry because I think / I have the feeling that person x does not live up to my expectations?

If the answer is yes, first question your interpretation of the situation. In the example 1 the person interprets your partner is not taking him seriously because he/she leaves dirty clothes on the floor. Depending on the situation it can be a very hasty conclusion.

If you think your interpretation is valid, ask yourself if it's worth keeping that expectation or if you can give up to reduce moments of anger.

If you can not give up this expectations because it is part of your needs and principles ask yourself how you can avoid or prevent these situations in the future, that could hurt your needs and principles. Many times a simple conversation can resolve the situation. Do not get carried away by anger, stay calm knowing that changes in the environment can usually ask but not require. The best solution is always to take responsibility for own welfare and walk away of those events / people that trigger the reaction.

How to maintain calm in moments of anger will be discussed in the next week.

The program can not replace individual therapy. If you feel that your emotions overcome or if you experience many negative thoughts please contact me or other professional of your choice.

Melanie Gramer

 

Fear management (NO- method 3)

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In this article I want to talk about fear and its derivatives such as anxiety, lack of assurance, stress, unrest, the scare, panic etc.. They have an important role in our lives. The role of fear is to ensure our survival. That is why our mind pay attention to that emotion, when it is present, and divert attention from other tasks that we are carrying out in this moment. However, we are glad when a moment of acute panic let us survive. And unless it seems necessary when fear limits us in our professional or private life because we dare not say what is necessary for our boss or our partner, because we care very much about what our children do when we can not see them and we fear to fear when the excitement is over and it begins to limit in almost any area of ​​our life.

Fear is a tool that seeks not only to protect the survival of our body but also our psychological identity (the way we see ourselves). The more we try to deceive our environment and ourselves about our capabilities and features, the more danger exists to be discovered , and the more we suffer more psychological stress and fear.

Therefore one of the best tools to reduce fear / stress is to be authentic. When we act in accordance with our deepest principles we create harmony in our minds. If we act against those ideas because we try to impress someone, try to hide or pretend something, it creates a mental conflict, a lack of consistency and if we believe in that illusion, then we create a constant fear of moments that uncover this self-deception and question our identity.

Being authentic means knowing yourself and your own needs and act on them. Act authentically requires a lot of courage because it means not to be what others want us to be, sometimes it means to disappoint someone or disagree with his opinion. You may even have to face more fears and other negative emotions at first, but long term we will feel more in peace with ourselves, more authentic and happier.

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If you want to practice be more authentic, ask yourself this question as often as possible:

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Am I acting in accordance with my needs and deepest convictions?

(Sometimes it is necessary to make clear what the convictions are and then to write them down)

Learning to be authentic is a process that can take many years or a lifetime. When you recognize that you act not in accordance with your needs and deepest convictions, do not judge yourself for it, Note that you are doing these work for your personal growth, which is very good and that small gains are much more important than small setbacks. The fears are gifts for life. You're working to feel good about yourself, to increase your self-esteem, for a full-filled and happier life.

The program can not replace individual therapy. If you feel that your emotions overcome or if you experience many negative thoughts please contact me or other professional of your choice.

Melanie Gramer

Take responsibility (EI method 2)

Result image interpretationLast week we learned and experienced what we feel and think is our own inner fight, which it is something that happens in our mind and not outside of it. This knowledge leads us to the conclusion that everyone has to take responsibility for his own welfare. Around us situations may arise, people, comments etc. that trigger emotions like fear / anger / sadness / disappointment… . However it is never the event itself, but rather how we interpret these events which makes us feel like that.

I'll give you a example To understand it better: Three guys walk at night through a neighborhood of Berlin. The police came and asked to see documentation.

A person thinks: “I always have to show my documentation, Is it because I am of Arab origin, They do not trust me.”

A person feels: fury, Sadness

Person B thinks: “I hope you do not find any problem with my passport, Good that I have”

Person B feels: Fear, insecurity

Person C think: ” It is nice that there are so many police presence at night, We can feel safe”

Person C feels: Security, Joy, Relief

The way we interpret events depends on our past experiences and our mental patterns, like “how we think and what are our ideas of the world and ourselves”. Therefore we can say: “Switch to yourself and change your world”.

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Over the next week try to integrate that idea over and over again in your mindsets.Exercise result image

Whenever you feel negative emotions and you realize you're trying to blame someone else or the situation itself mentally repeat the following sentence:

“I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY WELFARE”

and remember it is true that everything you think and feel is just the way you see and interpret the situation, are your thoughts, your emotions that arise within your mind and body and you are the one / the only / that can change.

This is a very powerful tool that we take responsibility for ourselves. And take that responsibility means getting the power for change. As I think I'm a victim of my environment I put myself in a helpless position, I empowered to take responsibility to start making the necessary changes in my life and in my mind for greater personal well-being.

The long-term exercise along with exercise last week will help to calm the mind and to modify schemes established. You are learning to manage your emotions and this means that you are preventing psychological disorders such as depression or anxiety disorders, you're going to increase your performance at work and improve your social relationships.

The program can not replace individual therapy. If you feel that your emotions overcome or if you experience many negative thoughts please contact me or other professional of your choice.

Melanie Gramer