Category: General

Forgiveness is selfish

Sometimes we have the feeling to forgive means to be weak, because it means to agree with the other person. But that's a mistake. Knowing how to forgive is very important for our own welfare, because it means that we let go anger, disappointment and frustation to feel the peace with ourselves.

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Anger plays an important role in our lifes, because it informs us of a possible injustice and prepares us for a reaction in defense of our own person. So it is important to verbalize anger or other emotion that someone has caused in us by their behavior or their words.

We can say: " It hurts, if you tell me ... "or" I makes me angry if ... " .

However once the emotion is expressed it is not an advantage to keep the negative emotion within us because we cause unnecessary discomfort to us and people around us.

When the moment aof the first reaction is over, it is important to realize that to feel good again we need no apology from the other person, furthermore we do not need to convince the other person that he or she is wrong. Our own well-being depends only on ourselves. We may decide not to upset anymore because we realize that this what made us angry is the problem of the other and not our problem. In this way we take responsibility for our own emotional well-being that does not depend on anything or anyone except our own thoughts.

Forgiveness does not mean to accept or to agree unjust behavior, it means recognizing that the other person acted in a certain way that made us feel angry, furious, sad etc.. It may help to realize that nobody is perfect, and that we all act in the best way we can and that our own well-being depends only on ourselves.

For more information on the individual personal counseling or therapy contact me:

 

 

All the best,

 

Melanie Gramer

3 steps to overcome anxiety

It is important to differentiate between the real fear and psychological fear.

The real fear acts as a primary emotion in times of real danger and ensures our survival. This fear is healthy and does not harm us.

But there is another form of fear (the psychological fear) that takes over a part of our minds with anxiety, insecurity, worries, stress, nervousness etc., trying to protect our ego from, of shame and other negative emotions. Especially we are afraid to feel insecure or weak, and to have fear and so a vicious circle develops which is difficult to get out.

 

It is hard but not impossible. The first thing to know is that the psychological fear is based on catastrophic thoughts type “What if…” about something that might happen in the future.

And if something happens…, And if tomorrow all laugh at me…, And if I do not pass the exam and I run out of money and one day my parents will die and I'll be just living on the street… What if … What if…

How these thoughts refer to something that is not happening and which is impossible to act or refute safely resist all kinds of logical arguments.

 

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1. Identify the emotion of fear which tries to protect: Fear, Shame, Guilt, Envy, fury, Sadness …

2. Recognize that fear does not have real existence.

For the first two steps we apply the following sentence: “I am scared / I feel anxiety / worry because I see something that is not there.”

Realize that's true, that everything that you fear does not exist at this time and that the future is almost never as we imagine it.

3. Do not le your fears amplify themselves. This means that you are allowed to feel the emotion that you fear. Do not try to avoid negative thoughts and experiences.

In some cases it is more obvious such as if I have fear of public speaking, I have to go approaching this challenge and work on my self-esteem to gain confidence.

In other cases it may be more difficult. For example if I wake up with anxiety in the morning without knowing where it comes from. In these cases the method of choice is the acceptance. Instead of trying not to feel fear, I would feel, I invite you to be with me and observe this feeling. Everything is a process and you need time but I assure as more you are approaching your fears as more they will turn away from you.

 

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Your fears can not exist without you believe in them and try to avoid. At the time when watching them without being scared, you will bring light to the darkest corners of your mind where you think the dangers are hidden and you will recognize that they have only been shadows like monsters under the bed to scare someone but have never had a real existence .

 

If you want to have support in your personal development process please contact me or another psychologist or therapist of your choice.

 

I hope I helped you and I wish you all the best.

 

Melanie Gramer

Anger management (method 5)

Anger is present in each of us. Like other emotions, anger also has an important role in our lives. Anger helps us defend our rights and demand situations of injustice. But often we react angrily to situations with lower “vital” importance. Often we harm others with our behavior by saying something, that hurts them. Whenever we feel anger and we get carried away by emotion, a stress reaction in our body is triggered that can have long-term negative health consequences.

Anger management tool:Exercise result image

If we feel the anger we try to uncouple the behaviour from the feeling by allowing some time to elapse before starting to act.

The exercise is simple but very effective: Every time you're really angry at something or someone start counting 10 –> 0 before saying something or act in any way.

The anger management helps to not deviate from the facts in discussions in a private or professional environment. This makes it easier to find a solution to the problems and to maintain a good relation to the environment.

If you notice that you feel a lot of anger in everyday situations and you find it difficult to handle it on your own, you can just go to my office. In a individual session you will find out the factors that produce and maintain your anger and your will find a way to improve your situation and get more calmness and serenity.

 

Melanie Gramer

Contact me to arrange a first meeting (20 min / online) free.

Anger management (EI – method 4)

Emotional intelligence is constituted by the four pillars: self-knowledge, handling of emotions, empathy and social skills. The first two pillars are the foundation for the other two, because knowledge of your emotions and its handling support empathy and other social skills. An emotion, that is often an obstacle to peace and to maintain good relations with others, is anger.

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In self-observation you could already identify the emotions that will cause discomfort more often. For some of you it is fear, for others it is sadness and for another group anger. ., Anger, the envy, etc.. often arise at times when we feel an injustice. It is important to always keep in mind that you not get angry for what happened but because the event itself no what makes us angry is the interpreation and thoughts about the event. If it is not consistent with our expectation, we interpret the event as unfair or inadequate, and because of that in our mind a conflict between how something should be and how it really is, is created.

Example 1: The partner leaves his dirty clothes on the floor. (Interpretation: I told so many times that it is important to me that the house is tidy. You're not taking me seriously (If he/she takes me seriously, he/she would not do it))

Example 2: The waitress brings a dirty menu, It takes long till she comes and then she forgets half of the order. (How can someone work like this, in a decent restaurant that should not happen (in a decent restaurant should …))

They are our thoughts that trigger anger and other negative feelings. So it is very interesting to know what you thought just before a time when you feel that emotion.

At the beginning of the week try to figure out your expectations to other people, Create a list of them. (Example)Exercise result image

People person treat me with respect: should greet, They should speak kindly, They should control their emotions, should…

My partner person openly show their affection, invite me for dinner …

Person at work x person

At home person should …

 

Over week when you feel anger (or also other negative emotion) Ask yourself: Exercise result image

Do I feel angry because I think / I have the feeling that person x does not live up to my expectations?

If the answer is yes, first question your interpretation of the situation. In the example 1 the person interprets your partner is not taking him seriously because he/she leaves dirty clothes on the floor. Depending on the situation it can be a very hasty conclusion.

If you think your interpretation is valid, ask yourself if it's worth keeping that expectation or if you can give up to reduce moments of anger.

If you can not give up this expectations because it is part of your needs and principles ask yourself how you can avoid or prevent these situations in the future, that could hurt your needs and principles. Many times a simple conversation can resolve the situation. Do not get carried away by anger, stay calm knowing that changes in the environment can usually ask but not require. The best solution is always to take responsibility for own welfare and walk away of those events / people that trigger the reaction.

How to maintain calm in moments of anger will be discussed in the next week.

The program can not replace individual therapy. If you feel that your emotions overcome or if you experience many negative thoughts please contact me or other professional of your choice.

Melanie Gramer

 

Fear management (NO- method 3)

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In this article I want to talk about fear and its derivatives such as anxiety, lack of assurance, stress, unrest, the scare, panic etc.. They have an important role in our lives. The role of fear is to ensure our survival. That is why our mind pay attention to that emotion, when it is present, and divert attention from other tasks that we are carrying out in this moment. However, we are glad when a moment of acute panic let us survive. And unless it seems necessary when fear limits us in our professional or private life because we dare not say what is necessary for our boss or our partner, because we care very much about what our children do when we can not see them and we fear to fear when the excitement is over and it begins to limit in almost any area of ​​our life.

Fear is a tool that seeks not only to protect the survival of our body but also our psychological identity (the way we see ourselves). The more we try to deceive our environment and ourselves about our capabilities and features, the more danger exists to be discovered , and the more we suffer more psychological stress and fear.

Therefore one of the best tools to reduce fear / stress is to be authentic. When we act in accordance with our deepest principles we create harmony in our minds. If we act against those ideas because we try to impress someone, try to hide or pretend something, it creates a mental conflict, a lack of consistency and if we believe in that illusion, then we create a constant fear of moments that uncover this self-deception and question our identity.

Being authentic means knowing yourself and your own needs and act on them. Act authentically requires a lot of courage because it means not to be what others want us to be, sometimes it means to disappoint someone or disagree with his opinion. You may even have to face more fears and other negative emotions at first, but long term we will feel more in peace with ourselves, more authentic and happier.

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If you want to practice be more authentic, ask yourself this question as often as possible:

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Am I acting in accordance with my needs and deepest convictions?

(Sometimes it is necessary to make clear what the convictions are and then to write them down)

Learning to be authentic is a process that can take many years or a lifetime. When you recognize that you act not in accordance with your needs and deepest convictions, do not judge yourself for it, Note that you are doing these work for your personal growth, which is very good and that small gains are much more important than small setbacks. The fears are gifts for life. You're working to feel good about yourself, to increase your self-esteem, for a full-filled and happier life.

The program can not replace individual therapy. If you feel that your emotions overcome or if you experience many negative thoughts please contact me or other professional of your choice.

Melanie Gramer

Take responsibility (EI method 2)

Result image interpretationLast week we learned and experienced what we feel and think is our own inner fight, which it is something that happens in our mind and not outside of it. This knowledge leads us to the conclusion that everyone has to take responsibility for his own welfare. Around us situations may arise, people, comments etc. that trigger emotions like fear / anger / sadness / disappointment… . However it is never the event itself, but rather how we interpret these events which makes us feel like that.

I'll give you a example To understand it better: Three guys walk at night through a neighborhood of Berlin. The police came and asked to see documentation.

A person thinks: “I always have to show my documentation, Is it because I am of Arab origin, They do not trust me.”

A person feels: fury, Sadness

Person B thinks: “I hope you do not find any problem with my passport, Good that I have”

Person B feels: Fear, insecurity

Person C think: ” It is nice that there are so many police presence at night, We can feel safe”

Person C feels: Security, Joy, Relief

The way we interpret events depends on our past experiences and our mental patterns, like “how we think and what are our ideas of the world and ourselves”. Therefore we can say: “Switch to yourself and change your world”.

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Over the next week try to integrate that idea over and over again in your mindsets.Exercise result image

Whenever you feel negative emotions and you realize you're trying to blame someone else or the situation itself mentally repeat the following sentence:

“I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY WELFARE”

and remember it is true that everything you think and feel is just the way you see and interpret the situation, are your thoughts, your emotions that arise within your mind and body and you are the one / the only / that can change.

This is a very powerful tool that we take responsibility for ourselves. And take that responsibility means getting the power for change. As I think I'm a victim of my environment I put myself in a helpless position, I empowered to take responsibility to start making the necessary changes in my life and in my mind for greater personal well-being.

The long-term exercise along with exercise last week will help to calm the mind and to modify schemes established. You are learning to manage your emotions and this means that you are preventing psychological disorders such as depression or anxiety disorders, you're going to increase your performance at work and improve your social relationships.

The program can not replace individual therapy. If you feel that your emotions overcome or if you experience many negative thoughts please contact me or other professional of your choice.

Melanie Gramer

Enter the peace of mind (EI method 1)

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So far we have worked to better know ourselves, our thoughts, emotions and we have seen how we behave in times of stress. From here we have powerful tools to manage our emotions.

It is important that we know and we realized that what we think and what we feel this strongly linked.

If you do not yet see this connection, make the following experiment:

Think of a pleasant memory of your past or some food you like a lot. Imagine in detail write down your feelings.

Now think of an unpleasant memory from your past and do the same.

Probably just observe what is happening in our mind influences a lot about our mood and the emotions we feel. Therefore we need to control our thoughts to feel good. If our thoughts most of the time revolve around issues, concerns etc., We can not wait to feel at peace with ourselves because we are constantly feeding fear.Exercise result image

So the first exercise is called: Enter the peace of mind.

Follow self-observation whenever you detect negative emotions like fear, furious, sadness, etc disappointment. Realize that you're fighting a war in your head.

Then try to get out of your head for a moment and try to observe your environment.

Describe it in your mind: Are there people? Animals? ¿Machines? Can you see daylight? Do you hear noises?

Realize that there are many things but there is no war, the world (in the vast majority of sites) is at peace.

Find your polite way to tell your own mind that war is a mental construct from reality and that you can see peace instead of this.

Watch your reaction and write it down.

Do not expect your mind understand directly all these things. In a process but every time you can more quickly recognize your mental war and propose peace. This way you reduce the amount of destructive thoughts and negative emotions, self-observation and practice aids that automate and long-term improvements your mood, improve your personal relationships, you prevent your self-esteem and not only mental health problems like depression, anxiety disorders etc.. but also physical health problems in 70-80 % They are caused or influenced by stress.

The program can not replace individual therapy. If you feel that your emotions overcome or if you experience many negative thoughts please contact me or other professional of your choice.

Melanie Gramer

Increase Your Emotional Intelligence (sixth)

If we identify our emotions and learn to manage them, this increases our performance at work, We are more balanced and happier.

This is the last part where we train self-observation. So do your best, you are only one step to learn the most effective techniques to manage stress, anger, prevent depression etc.. . Keep in mind that personal growth is a job and needs your constant involvement. As we try to introduce new habits or want to change thought patterns or behavior established, the principle requires effort and perseverance.

Imagine that the car you have always taken the same route home and one day you decide that from now going to take a different route. Surely, some other day you are wrong and you turn to take the old route. That happens at times that we are not fully attentive and that is normal, we can not change patterns that have for years from one day to the next. However small changes that we are powerful and unleash many more without realizing we live a life very different, more conscious and cheerful.

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We will continue with self-observation at critical moments, this means always if we notice a change in moodExercise result image from happy / sad neutral / fearful / angry etc. .

We ask ourselvess:

"What am I feeling right now?”

We redefine the excitement / emotions present at this time, identify the part of our body, where we feel the emotion asking:

"What part of my body feel" that emotion "?

and we care about our thoughts wondering:

What I think / what I just thought?” always trying to put ourselves in the position of an observer without trial does not want nor can intervene, only observes.

After asking we observe our behavior: ” .What I do / what would I do?”

And now finally we look at our feelings as a result of our behavior:

“How I felt this?

Record your observations.

Thus during a week you observe all these components taking into account that self-knowledge will be your greatest weapon in anger management, the sadness, the fear, stress and prevention of emotional disorders. It will help you improve your relationships with family, and friends at work. also you work to increase your self-esteem and facilitate problem solving and decision making.

If you feel trapped or notes a constant presence of negative emotions like sadness anger an fear in a high measure during the obseravation, ontact me or other professional who can help you get to know the underlying causes.

There will be moments of low motivation and thoughts about leaving the program. Do not Let convinced by these thoughts, are patterns that work against change, to maintain the current status and stay in the comfort zone.

Greetings and hope you are you benefiting from the articles and exercises.

Melanie Gramer

Increase your emotional intelligence (fifth part)

Being emotionally intelligent improving our social relationships and prevents problems with stress, anxiety and depression.

First I want to congratulate you for the work you are carrying out with yourselves because you are seeing and going to see more and more benefits of this program. This week is the penultimate phase of self-observation. We want to fix how we act in difficult times and use strategies to handle negative emotions. The most typical strategy we usually apply if we have not received any training in handling emotions is distraction. That is if I feel stressed, worried, angry etc.. I try to do something to avoid having to continue to feel that emotion.

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Watch TV

Arguing with my partner / children

Read

Do sport

Clean

Eating (especially food high in fat or sugar)

Drinking alcohol or taking other medication or drug

etc.

These strategies not only do not solve the problem but depending on the strategy of distraction use, I can have serious physical and / or mental health long term.

This week we observe if we apply distraction when we feel negative emotions and which distraction strategies are our favorites.

We will continue with self-observation at critical moments, this means always if we notice a change in moodExercise result image from happy / sad neutral / fearful / angry etc. .

We ask ourselvess

"What am I feeling right now?”

We redefine the excitement / emotions present at this time, identify the part of our body, where we feel the emotion asking:

"What part of my body feels" that emotion "?

and we care about our thoughts wondering:

What I think / what I just thought?” always trying to put ourselves in the position of an observer without trial does not want nor can intervene, only observes.

And now we look at our behavior by asking: ” What do I do / What I like to do?”

Record your observations.

If you feel trapped or notes a constant presence of negative emotions like sadness anger an fear in a high measure during the obseravation, ontact me or other professional who can help you get to know the underlying causes.

There will be moments of low motivation and thoughts about leaving the program. Do not Let convinced by these thoughts, are patterns that work against change, to maintain the current status and stay in the comfort zone.

Greetings and hope you are you benefiting from the articles and exercises.

Melanie Gramer